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The Maladroit Wife » Home Economics http://themaladroitwife.com Adventures in Domesticity Wed, 04 Feb 2015 13:00:16 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.40 Open For Business? http://themaladroitwife.com/open-for-business/ http://themaladroitwife.com/open-for-business/#comments Fri, 22 Mar 2013 11:31:00 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=1073


I need a job.

So, remember when “e commerce” was getting huge and everyone was out to make their dot com fortune?
Well… I don’t like to rush a trend.

Case in point: I just recently obtained (thanks to my quick-thinking mother in law) a pair of those mint green skinny pants that were so hot… last year. Whatever, they look good on me.

Well, I ran an errand today that involved an emergency pickup of some very specific laundry detergent. I ordered and paid for it online, but went to get it, not from a store, but from some lady’s house in a cookie cutter subdivision.

What now?

Turns out she keeps a little inventory of some things, but mostly has her wares “drop shipped” from their manufacturers.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT…

You builds y’self a little website, get set up as a business with all the capabilities to relieve a person of their money, and then you hand off the actual labor to the manufacturer??

Where do I sign give me a pen I am IN.

It sounds a little too easy… I suspect there’s a good bit of work to be done to make any money, but the little-to-no startup is pretty appealing to me. And the not-going-to-the-post-office doing. I completely dread shipping packages. Utterly.


This is what my online business looks like in my head.

But if someone were paying me…

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Going Backwards http://themaladroitwife.com/going-backwards/ http://themaladroitwife.com/going-backwards/#comments Wed, 13 Mar 2013 13:32:17 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=1051

women
I got caught up in the whole Mad Men thing right along with everyone else.  I haven’t caught up with the last few seasons, but I’m totally going to one of these days.  It’s one of my inspirations for the way I do this whole stuck-at-home thing.  You know, the way things “used to be,” maybe with less smoking and drinking (it’s still Lent), but I like the cooking and the reusing and the looking pulled together so that nobody knows the mess that lies beneath the surface.  Or behind the closet door, in my case.

The other inspiration is a book that I read recently (okay, I didn’t finish it… but I’m totally going to one of these days…) called 97 Orchard.
97orchard
It is the story of 5 families that lived, at different times, in a tenement in New York.  Their living conditions were cramped and not-awesome, and they made the foods of their countries of origin.  They preserved their foods with salt and smoke and by fermentation.  They didn’t have any money, so they would do things like buy broken eggs.  Broken!  EGGS!!!  Take THAT, Honest Toddler!

I’m not about to go dumpster diving for chicken bones to make my stock, but it does put things in perspective.  Despite our new, improved, skinny grocery budget, I plan to buy and make GOOD FOOD.  I’m committed to shopping the farmers market more this year.  I love me some Target, but I managed to do all of my grocery shopping this week at the market and the co-op and Whole Foods AND under budget!  I made 32 ounces of kefir from some hippie dippie co-op milk, and I feel pretty good about what we are eating.

I’m slowly reverting our kitchen (and our diaper drawer, but that’s a story for another day) to be a modern version of the way things were BEFORE all that Mad Men convenience.  But with the cool Mad Men stuff in it.
housewives50s

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Very Recent History: Farming Is No Vacation http://themaladroitwife.com/very-recent-history-farming-is-no-vacatio/ http://themaladroitwife.com/very-recent-history-farming-is-no-vacatio/#comments Tue, 22 Jan 2013 13:12:39 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=1002

ahhhh
“Vacation” means different things to different people at different times in their lives.  To me, right now, it apparently means leaving my own couch and living room and traveling 1200 miles to sit on my mom’s couch in her living room.  (My dad has his own living room for a few months, and no, he’s not in trouble.)  Some people use the word “vacation” when they’re talking about beaches or Vegas but I’m not really sure what the deal is there.

The house I grew up in now has motion-sensor night lights (nightlights?) everywhere.  Getting a glass of water at 2am feels like trying to bust outta Folsom.
prison break
Too bad you didn’t think of this when I was in high school, Mom & Dad!  Then I wouldn’t have this kid.  Such a shame, babies having babies.  (Not really, I only snuck out at night to get Doritos.  The baby didn’t show up until I was 31 (but I totally still get carded).  But rigging your house with motion sensors?  Take note, parents.)

Also not a vacation?  Farming.  I visited one with a friend who is trying to clean up what her family eats.  I’m interested in this also, and she and I have similar challenges in feeding our husbands for less than what the average university spends to stock the dining hall.  Buying directly from a farm might not be the solution, though… I bought an 18-dollar chicken.  Whoops.

Update: I haven’t washed my face in 15 days.  I didn’t bring face wash on my trip because I knew that coconut oil would be easy to come by and it would give me a chance to really give the oil thing a shot.  I feel like my skin is extra dry, actually, but haven’t had any trouble other than that.  Weird!

My next project with this little guy: coconut kefir.  Good AND good for you!
coco

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Sissypants http://themaladroitwife.com/sissypants/ http://themaladroitwife.com/sissypants/#comments Tue, 26 Jun 2012 22:21:18 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=831


I’ve been diagnosed by a Real Doctor as a big fat wimp.  Sissypants.  Merriam Webster says here that a variant of sissypants is sissybritches.  I like that one.
The word she threw at me was “vasovagal.”  I googled it.  The Mayo Clinic defines it like this:
“Vasovagal syncope (vay-zo-VAY-gul SING-cuh-pee) is the most common cause of fainting. Vasovagal syncope occurs when your body overreacts to triggers, such as the sight of blood or extreme emotional distress.”
The sight of blood.  The doctor also said it could be a “Scary Movie.”  FOR THE RECORD, I have never fainted as a result of either of these.

So… that’s pretty great.  I think I’ll go eat something.


I’m really into cherries right now.  I got these guys on sale for $2.99/lb and I rinsed them with vinegar like you’re supposed to so that they don’t go bad.  Well, they went bad pretty fast, so it’s a good thing I can eat cherries at an AMAZING RATE.  Once they got suspicious-looking, I turned to frozen mango.  Yum.

Speaking of things on sale, I also scored on the buy-one-get-one deal on frozen pizzas, limit 8.  It’s a good thing they set limits on these things.  I did not eat 8 pizzas, I just bought them.  But we all know what buying pizza leads to.  Sin.

The bottom shelf is all pizza.  The top shelf is all ice and fruit and alcohol.  Square meals, people.

Slightly more square was the lunch I made for this week: $30 for all the ingredients for both of us.  SCORE.  Except it was probably a little more, as I had to buy the olives twice.  The green olives at Whole Foods?  They might LOOK green, but they taste black.

These are little green liars.  I chopped them all up, put them in the bowl with some red peppers, and then had to pick them all out.  I went back to the store for the cheap green ones that TASTE GREEN and go better with red peppers and chorizo and quinoa.  Crisis averted, and now I have weird greenblack olives for making some tapenade next weekend.  Bonus.

Also, I organized.  I got this idea off of The Holy Pinterest, and modified it a little so that it was more hidden.  I used a drill to make “pilot holes” for my screws (that’s a real thing).  My husband wandered in while I was eyeballing the situation and said something like “Do you want me to do that for you?”  The response he received from the crazy, power-tool-wielding pregnant lady on the bathroom floor was something like “BACK AWAY FROM ME I AM DRILLING HOLES HERE”

Desktop file basket + 3 screws +my hair crap =

Bam.

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Brownielocks http://themaladroitwife.com/brownielocks/ http://themaladroitwife.com/brownielocks/#comments Fri, 01 Jun 2012 13:51:31 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=796


Only I have brown hair.  And nothing is ever quiiiiite right.  And sometimes that’s how I eat my porridge.

That avocado pasta I made the other night?  NOT a fan of the shrimp!  I got some good quality “salad shrimp” from one of the high end stores here.  They weren’t the teeny tiny ones I sometimes see, and all the bigger ones were tail-on, which I thought sounded like way too much work.  I mean, you know how hard it is to pull the tail off a shrimp… it’s super hard.  Some days.  Anyway, the end result was bland, yet fishy, and just sort of… gross.

Fortunately, I had the good sense not to mix them into ALL of the sauce, so I added the artificial crab to the leftovers and remedied the situation.  Also, adding spinach to the sauce was pretty genius.  It got me to eat spinach, and I really truly couldn’t tell it was in there.

But of course, I couldn’t add the entire huge thing of spinach into only 3 avocados worth of sauce, so I had a whole buncha spinach left.  So what did I do?  I REMEMBERED IT WAS THERE.

And voila!  Breakfast!  Tossed that spinach in a pan with some olive oil, added those fancy eggs from a real farm – the kind that are soooo orange on the inside, mixed in my favorite cheese from the great state of Oregon, and ate it all with some salsa and some kind of triple-health-lite-superhero-cape-wearing english muffin.  And coffee.  Nice way to start the day.

I realize it’s not any kind of contribution to world peace to remember that there’s spinach in your fridge (it was even in a DRAWER), but it’s one of my goals to buy groceries and then, like, use them.  I’ve thrown out a lot of produce in my years as “an adult” and it’s time to learn to do things differently.  Me: 1, New Apartment Fridge: 0.

Then I made some sangria.  And by sangria, I mean cinnamon fruit punch.
Here’s the before…

You pour boiling water over some cinnamon sticks and a couple of teabags, then add sugar, orange and pomegranate juices, and a bunch of citrus rinds and apple chunks.  Can we talk about fresh-squeezed orange juice?  It. is. impossible to juice an orange without also juicing half of your kitchen and your cell phone.  Anyway, refridge overnight, top with bubbly water, and enjoy!  It comes out a little strong on the cinnamon for me, I might make it without that next time.
Sho’ is pretty though!  Here she is, all done up:

Why yes, that IS a clock on the floor in the background.  I’ll get to it.  Or maybe I like it there…

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Homemade Money http://themaladroitwife.com/homemade-money/ http://themaladroitwife.com/homemade-money/#comments Thu, 10 Nov 2011 14:13:01 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=640


I have a job (career?) on which I spend many, many hours, both mentally and physically.  I also have “hobbies,” like cooking, cleaning, wiping down the countertops, and doing laundry.  I don’t have “hobbies” like going to concerts, golfing, or being an auto enthusiast.  Basically, outside of my taste in shoes, I’m a pretty cheap date.  Lately, I’ve been trying to find some “hobbies” that could bring home a little extra bacon.  My focus here is the bacon, but YOU try to convince him of that when he’s grown weary of my Creative Process.  To him, it’s a hobby.  Tomato/tomato.  That one doesn’t really work in writing, does it…

I have some amazingly creative friends.  The first person to really open my eyes to life’s crafty possibilities was a girl who used to run a sale out of her house, complete with very sad husband unable to find the coffee pot.  She now has an actual space in South Dakota that she doesn’t have to live in.  She’s one of those people that finds a hubcap and a left roller skate on the side of the road and turns it into a Christmas decoration you’re willing to pay $80 for.  Screen door chandelier?  Sure!  I’ll never think like she does, but it has changed the way I look at Old Stuff and spray paint.

Another gal who inspires me makes bags out of pillow cases.  Bags that I’m not embarrassed to carry, I might add!  And my e-bestie over at Riot and Frolic is constantly making things I’m pretty sure the two of us should mass-produce.  I mean seriously…

Having the A.D.D. like I do, and liking to dabble in many things, I’ve tried a few angles on weekend cash.  I’ve sold some of my homemade booze infusions.  Some rehabbed furniture has helped pay the rent – it’s even better if you can get the ugly furniture for free!  My current stab at lucrative weekends is these little bags which are no longer coming out crooked.

It helps a great deal that I have found fabric stores that are not Joann, great as she may be for the essentials.  I stumbled upon a totally cute, mostly yarn-filled shop on the river that had the most aDORable prints.  For me, it’s actually better that their fabric selection was smaller.  Fewer decisions to make.  If you’re into that stuff, stay tuned for more cute fabric shop websites.  I’m going on a pilgrimage next weekend.

I sent a batch of the aforementioned bags to the aforementioned Shoppe in South Dakota, and am hoping that people see them as The Perfect Gift for someone in their life.  I’m hoping they’re reasonably priced ($20), and already have some orders in from friends.

If you want one, just comment or Facebook me and we’ll talk colors!  I’m excited to help people gift for less, but this is also largely about disproving his “just a hobby” theory.  It’s about bacon, people.  More things should be.

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No, No, You Can Keep It… http://themaladroitwife.com/no-no-you-can-keep-it/ http://themaladroitwife.com/no-no-you-can-keep-it/#comments Thu, 20 Oct 2011 14:47:17 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=527

Handkerchiefs are a weird thing.  I get that they’re green, and that maybe disposable tissues didn’t always exist.  But unless you’re using them to roll up your jewelry for traveling… GROSS.  There’s nothing worse than someone using their hanky and putting it back. in. their. POCKET.

So… you can imagine my inner conflict at making “silk handkerchief” pasta…  “Handkerchief” and “food” don’t really go together.  But when I saw this segment on the Today Show, I couldn’t resist trying it.  Especially because he thought it looked soooo good, and doesn’t always get too excited about cooking.  I modified a lot of things with the help of my mother, so my own version is here.

Off I went to the store, and was thrilled to walk away only about $30 poorer.  Some meat, some veggies, and some wine.

Step 1:  lay out the veggies, chop them up, and “grind them” in the food processor.  Note: I really want one of these with the locking blade so I don’t have to deal with that when pouring it out.

Into the melted butter goes the meat, then, once it is cooked (not browned), pull it out and toss the ground up veggies in with the fat and juices until they’re translucent (not browned).  Everyone back in the pool, dump in a bunch of wine (yes) and some chicken wings (instead of stock).

I let that simmer and got to making the pasta.  I was too focused to get good pictures of that, but found an awesome tutorial here by A Sweet Pea Chef.  I cut the sheets into square-ish shapes for the hankies.

To me, cooking fresh pasta is terrifying because it overcooks so fast, but I made it through.  To the rescue, yet again, was my mother with her suggestion of an ice water bath after I pulled them off the stove.  The process of realizing they were done, scooping some of the water out for the sauce, bringing the pot to the sink, scrambling for the lid, screaming at the husband for the lid (“NO NOT THAT ONE THAT ONE!!!!), the slippery little suckers getting out of the pot anyway, and finally upending the whole thing into my nearly-overflowing bowl of ice water.  Amazingly, I thought to put a colander into the bowl of ice water, so I did do one thing logically.

I tossed them all into the sauce, and ended up with this dish of glory for supper…

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and this mess to clean up…

Yep, still no housekeeping service.

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Housewifin’ http://themaladroitwife.com/housewifin/ http://themaladroitwife.com/housewifin/#comments Thu, 06 Oct 2011 18:59:51 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=489


I’ve got the day off today.  No special occasion, just needed to use the time before I lose it.  Oh, and my house is in desperate need of attention.  I’m going to clean the laundry room.  You think that’s redundant?  Laundry rooms are specifically FOR cleaning, so they should not themselves need to be cleaned?  Ha.  That’s the state of affairs, folks.

So far, I’ve cleaned out the fridge (AND ordered the replacement for the missing shelf.  Extra credit!)  Got rid of lots of half-consumed juices and duplicate jars of olives.  I did not make a dent in the Chocolate Section.  This is my Chocolate Section…

Someone in the household thinks this is “weird” or “excessive” but I think it looks pretty normal.  Thoughts?

I’ve also done tons of dishes, dusted and polished all of the wood (including the cabinets!), and cleaned out and rearranged some of the more irritating storage.  Time for a break, says me.

Supposedly, it’s fall.  Hard to tell around here, with the perfect 80-degree weather – sometimes there’s already snow on the ground by this point.  But whatever, I say it’s fall, and that means squash recipes.  Today, my favorite fall chili!  And did I mention that this will cost you less than $20 to make?  Come on, let’s cook!

Get yourself an onion, a medium-sized butternut squash, and some Swiss chard.  Chop it all up, toss the onions in a pan over medium-low heat with some garlic and olive oil, and let it go for a while.  Careful not to burn the garlic, that’s gross.  Throw in the diced squash (if you hate cutting up squash as much as I do, check out my friend’s post on how to hack into those things), toss in some chili powder and cumin.  Add vegetable stock and let it simmer while you get out the can opener.

Once the squash has softened a little, throw in the black beans and diced tomatoes and bring the whole shebang to a boil.  Once it reaches boiling, turn the heat down, cover, and let it do its thing for 20 minutes or so.  It should start to seem more or less like chili by then, and that’s when you can throw in your roughly chopped Swiss chard.

Let that wilt, but don’t overcook it – it should still be green.  Just a few minutes for that step, and then you’re ready to eat!  Take that, Rachael Ray!

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Big Fat Jerks! http://themaladroitwife.com/big-fat-jerks/ http://themaladroitwife.com/big-fat-jerks/#comments Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:50:59 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=471


You know those guys that stand on the corner and want to talk to you about the environment when you’re racing back to work after grabbing a 32-ounce depth charge because you’ve got a meeting in 12 seconds and there’s no way you’re going to get through it easily?  Well, they are on my corner.  All. The. Time.  Today, I was fake on-the-phone and as I walked by, they were hassling me for being a faker.  “You’re almost past us!  Just 3 more steps!  You’re not on the phone!”   They’re obnoxious AND sleuthy.  After I passed them, I heard them tell a guy in a business suit that his meeting could wait 3 minutes.  Seriously??  Jerks.  Fat ones.

So I bet you’re wondering where I was off to…  This wasn’t an emergency coffee run.  No, it was an emergency lip gloss run.  I am off to Chicago this weekend on business, and that means smart outfits and new lip gloss.  I was on a mission to find a Clinique shade that I like.  Clinique is reasonable.  It’s the gateway drug from the makeup aisle at Walgreens… it’s just a little more expensive.  But sadly, when I got to Cosbar, this little makeup shop around the corner, I saw no Clinique!  After I vented for a minute with the nice employees, I re-centered myself and asked the cute little chubby-cheeked fella if he’d help me find a new shade.  Pinky-brown, no bling.  (I love when the fellas help you find lip gloss.  How much can they really know about the trials of finding the perfect gloss?)  We landed, naturally, on Chanel.  I know.  But the shade is called “Giggle.”

Yeah, you try to walk away from that.  It’s only twice as much as the Clinique gloss I had been seeking… but I was angry!  So yeah, give me that giggly lip gloss!  Wait, it’s how much?  And you don’t accept returns?  Oh, you DO, but only for store credit.  Deep breath, think about what I could NOT buy for a few weeks, and slink out of the store.

On my way out, what did I see?  The Clinique counter!  Gah!  I called to confess my sins, and he sounded sort of flatly forgiving… but wait until he sees how beautiful it makes me.  Then, surely he won’t mind.  Surely.

And to all you big fat jerks on the street corners with your green vests and clipboards and agendas, leave me alone!  Leave the nice man in the suit alone!  Leave the tired people with their coffees alone!  Try luring us in with compliments!  Stop being smug jerks!

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More is Less http://themaladroitwife.com/more-is-less/ http://themaladroitwife.com/more-is-less/#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2011 04:26:52 +0000 http://themaladroitwife.com/?p=456


I love vintage stuff.  I love kitchen stuff.  I spent several hours this weekend at antique stores very specifically not buying loads of vintage Pyrex with SUCH happy daisies all over it.  I did not buy any Russel Wright platters.  Or butter dishes.  Or ashtrays – I don’t know what it is, I love them.  Came close with a neat Sanka one… and then nearly caved on the Pyrex again.  It was a roller coaster.

Come on.

But really, I HAVE mixing bowls.  They don’t complete me the way these do, but they’re mixy and bowl-like and serve their purpose.  The claustrophobia of the antique stores got me thinking about what I Need.  I don’t mean neeeeeeed; that’s different.  My closet is an entirely separate discussion.  But the kitchen is an easy place to fall into the gadget trap.  Kitchen stores have entire wings devoted to gadgets!  Glorious wings devoted to glorious, glorious gadgets.  Herb mincers.  Herb keepers.  Mezzalunas for chopping herbs.  Garlic presses.  Citrus presses.  Citrus reamers.  Citrus zesters.  Cheese graters.  Chocolate graters.  Nutmeg graters.  Egg cubersBanana Slicers.  WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT A BANANA SLICER??

My mother, who is responsible for my bad habits, also makes some good points.  Most useful to me is her kitchen wisdom.  “Never buy a gadget that serves only one purpose.”  Okay, Mom.  Well, my coffee pot only serves one purpose, but maternal advice is meant to be loosely followed.  She didn’t say not to buy several versions of multipurpose tools…  My kitchen clutter is mostly mugs and spatulas, but recently I’ve noticed some appliance buildup.  I own a Kitchen Aid mixer, a food processor, a mini food processor, a blender, and an immersion blender.  It seems we’ve got a situation.  Smitten Kitchen has a little rundown of ways to maximize a small space, or from my perspective, how to minimize buildup.  She thinks her mixer is incredible for this.  She thinks nesting mixing bowls are the way to go (I’m pretty sure those happy vintage bowls wouldn’t nest with the others, so it’s just as well they stay where they are).  She says you should keep everything white – no thanks.  But it’s definitely time to focus on efficiency.

I have a few kitchen powerhouses of my own.  One is my Shun Santoku knife.  Behold.

It turns everything into butter, and doubles as a garlic press by having a nice wide blade with which to smash garlic.  The only thing I really don’t use it for is cutting into uncooked squash.  It seems kind of unwieldy, and it’s a really sharp knife.
Obviously my Kitchen Aid mixer is a workhorse, but I’m not utilizing it that way just yet.  I know that there are lots of attachments that would allow me to get rid of other things, so I will get to that one of these days.  But anything that makes my life this easy is an automatic hero.
My biggest kitchen crutch is vinegar.  It takes hard water stains off glassware!  It cuts through the coffee spills on the counter!  It cuts through cooktop grease!  It tells me I’m pretty!  Plus I like that it’s just vinegar so it’s not hard on my hands or the earth or anything like that.  And when you need a little more elbow grease than it provides, its nemesis, Baking Soda, does a pretty great job.

Pretty soon I’ll be doing some organizing that should allow me to sort through my duplicates and get them to people who need them more than I do.  That will make some room for those lovely vintage mixing bowls…

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