Big Fat Jerks!

30 Sep

You know those guys that stand on the corner and want to talk to you about the environment when you’re racing back to work after grabbing a 32-ounce depth charge because you’ve got a meeting in 12 seconds and there’s no way you’re going to get through it easily?  Well, they are on my corner.  All. The. Time.  Today, I was fake on-the-phone and as I walked by, they were hassling me for being a faker.  “You’re almost past us!  Just 3 more steps!  You’re not on the phone!”   They’re obnoxious AND sleuthy.  After I passed them, I heard them tell a guy in a business suit that his meeting could wait 3 minutes.  Seriously??  Jerks.  Fat ones.

So I bet you’re wondering where I was off to…  This wasn’t an emergency coffee run.  No, it was an emergency lip gloss run.  I am off to Chicago this weekend on business, and that means smart outfits and new lip gloss.  I was on a mission to find a Clinique shade that I like.  Clinique is reasonable.  It’s the gateway drug from the makeup aisle at Walgreens… it’s just a little more expensive.  But sadly, when I got to Cosbar, this little makeup shop around the corner, I saw no Clinique!  After I vented for a minute with the nice employees, I re-centered myself and asked the cute little chubby-cheeked fella if he’d help me find a new shade.  Pinky-brown, no bling.  (I love when the fellas help you find lip gloss.  How much can they really know about the trials of finding the perfect gloss?)  We landed, naturally, on Chanel.  I know.  But the shade is called “Giggle.”

Yeah, you try to walk away from that.  It’s only twice as much as the Clinique gloss I had been seeking… but I was angry!  So yeah, give me that giggly lip gloss!  Wait, it’s how much?  And you don’t accept returns?  Oh, you DO, but only for store credit.  Deep breath, think about what I could NOT buy for a few weeks, and slink out of the store.

On my way out, what did I see?  The Clinique counter!  Gah!  I called to confess my sins, and he sounded sort of flatly forgiving… but wait until he sees how beautiful it makes me.  Then, surely he won’t mind.  Surely.

And to all you big fat jerks on the street corners with your green vests and clipboards and agendas, leave me alone!  Leave the nice man in the suit alone!  Leave the tired people with their coffees alone!  Try luring us in with compliments!  Stop being smug jerks!

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