Ode to Spanx

6 Mar

“Shapewear” is not my style.  I say, wear what looks good on you.  Don’t wear what doesn’t look good on you.  Maaaybe don’t wear your underwear 3 sizes too small so that you don’t get those pinchy rolls under your clothes.

But sometimes, wear Spanx.

Not all the time, just on special occasions.  Let me tell you how they work…

They are too small for you.  It’s okay, they WILL go past your knee.  Keep trying.  You may want to lie down on the bed for this part.  Assume the dead bug position.  Got it?  Good.  Once you’ve got the leg opening up, puuulllllll the rest up all the way.  Well, it’s not all the way just yet, but it’s getting there.  You may have a roll of… something… coming out the top.  I don’t care how small you are, we all have rolls if we are squeezed hard enough.

Now, contort yourself a little until you can get a good angle on the top of the thing.  Tug, work around, tug, work around, tug, etc.  Pull the top up bit-by-bit until it’s stretched as high as it will go.  No more roll!  Adjust the legs, if necessary, and it’s probably necessary.

Note: these are NOT one-size-fits-all.  If you gain weight, get a bigger size.  If you don’t, you will put a run in them.  Do not ask me how I know this, I just heard it somewhere okay??

Go find a mirror and stand sideways to it.  Breathe in like they tell you in yoga.  BEHOLD!  You cannot see your stomach move!

Slip on your slinkiest dress, hit the town, and eat and drink to your heart’s content!
Look how harried she is!  She totally put on some Spanx.

Know, though, that if you have to go to the bathroom, you will have to start nearly from scratch, and with no bed to lie on.

And finally, let no man discover it.  They make stuff for men, too, but that’s just weird.

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